Tell Laura I Love Her
Billy Connolly: Tell Laura I Love He
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(from the LP "The Pick of Billy Connolly"
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER
TELL LAURA I NEED HER
TELL LAURA NOT TO CR
MY LOVE FOR HER WILL NEVER DIE
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you
Oh yes, Laura and I were lovers for a long time ladies and gentleme
'Til God took her away for a special purpose of his very own
I must admit I was a bit cheesed off at the time
I had a special purpose in mind myself
But there you go
Oh, sure, we'd lovers tiffs like anybody else
Like the time, in a moment of weakness, I sun
and I bought a dirty magazine
And in that magazine, ladies and gentlemen
I read about erogenous zones
In a very sly way, ladies and gentlemen
I invited Laura over to my place, ostensibly for coffee and cookies
And we were sitting on the sofa
and we were necking, ladies and gentlemen, necking
And I guess I must have touched one of her erogenous zones
ladies and gentlemen
Because she kneed me in one of mine
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER
TELL LAURA I NEED HER
TELL LAURA NOT TO CR
MY LOVE FOR HE
WILL NEVER DIE
Oh ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you
How could I ever forge
that day God took Laura away for a special purpose of his own
We were downtown shopping for Laura's mum
She wanted some rubber bedclothes and an inflatable man
Strange woman Laura's mum
But anyhow, we were walking hand in hand down Main Stree
When a child ran onto the road, ladies and gentlemen
I said "Oh my God, my nerves!" and I covered my eye
I guess I'm that kind of guy
But Laura, who was made of stronger stuff than I
dashed onto the road to save that child
Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell you
the child made it to the other sid
and turned round and said "Eee eu eee-e eh-eu
but Laura didn't
She made it to the white line in the centre of the road
ladies and gentlemen
when a juggernaut came around the corner sideways and flattened her
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER
TELL LAURA I NEED HER
(I blame myself, I blame myself
TELL LAURA NOT TO CR
MY LOVE FOR HE
WILL NEVER DIE
Oh ladies and gentlemen, how can I tell you
Some nights I lie awake, awash with sweat
as I hear the exact noise those lorries made when they flattened Laur
It was a sorta "SPLAT
You know the noise you ge
When you stick a straw up a frogs bum and blow really har
I blame mysel
I wanna tell you, ladies and gentleme
Main Street was not a pretty sigh
There was bits of Laura everywher
I remember, two bits were sliding down the post office windo
And a big Alsatian came around the corne
and made off with another couple of bit
And it was with a heavy hear
And a tear in either ey
I searched, and I searche
but I couldn't find the bit I was looking for
TELL LAURA I LOVE HER
TELL LAURA I NEED HER
TELL LAURA NOT TO CR
MY LOVE FOR HE
WILL NEVER DIE.
